I Shall but Love Thee Better After Death
the dark night sky
stretched thin
folded neatly over me
tucking me into a deep sleep.
hushing the lament that
rose from deep
within I whispered
When will i see you again
As I drifted off
stepped into a
vivid dream
where at last
I was held in your
warm familiar embrace.
-Alexandra Gaines
A friend once asked me how I’d overcome so much grief in my life. I instantly thought of the words said so eloquently by Alice Walker, The only way forward is with a broken heart. Experiencing loss, especially when it is unexpected, is shattering. You feel gutted, blinded, hollow. And yet, inexplicably, we begin to loosen our grip on the fixation of what was. In the breaking, you learn to soften. In the hollowing, you begin to make space. In the loss, you’ve gained the ability to see the world for what it truly is- something to behold, marvel, and revere.
When grieving, we experience a vast wave of emotion: denial, anger, guilt, depression, overwhelm. The wave rises, crashes, and the tide eventually recedes. Once it does, we are able to ground ourselves again. The pain plants a seed of compassion in our hearts that grows with time, making us far more loving and kind. We transcend the frivolous concerns of ourselves and feel especially compelled to cherish moments centered in meaningful connection with loved ones.
Alternatively, the most devastating way to navigate grief is to adopt the posture of a hapless victim. To be crippled. Incapable of escaping a self-induced purgatory. Debilitated by the haunting rehearsals of what could have been, what should have been, what will never be again. Such a grave disservice it is to exist in torment. Stuck in a cage that inhibits freedom. Tethered to a past we cannot change. Grasping onto echoes of regret rather than the guiding voices of ancestral spirits.
To grieve is to love across worlds. A conversation that continues. A life that is celebrated through cheerful memory and meaningful recollection. And if you pay very close attention, your beloved might pay you a visit. The rustle of leaves in the wind that whispers to you. A rippled reflection in a creek that stirs curiosity and wonder. Monarch butterflies showcasing their marvelous colors in a meadow reminiscent of times past. Or in complete stillness, an impulse guided by intuition, an embodied inherited wisdom.
A poem that I have extracted from Appalachian Elegy by bell hooks encapsulates this comforting relationship with ancestral spirits that we can all tap into. Let the words sink in:
again and again
she calls me
this wilderness within
urging me onward
be here
make a path
where the sound
of ancestors speaks
a language heard beyond the grave
this earth i stand on
belongs to the many dead
treasure i find here
is all gift
tender solace
holding back the future
the dead that will not let us forget
late ones
and even further back
the ancients
dreaming achieving
they will not let us forget
time is aboriginal eternal
they carry us back
take us through the sacred portal
that we may come again then again
into the always present
-bell hooks
Grief is a constant remembering which can be daunting if not approached with grace and a kind of lightness. It takes an enormous amount of courage to allow yourself to remember your beloved. At times, excavating memories can feel like burying a beloved over and over again. However, grief exposes the immense and undying love and commitment we have for a person. A love that expands beyond this world; a love that is never lost but transcends physical life. A deep knowing that there is a relationship that exists on the other side of the veil. An eternal love.
“I shall but love thee better after death.”
Here are some ordinary rituals you can incorporate into your everyday life that will keep the spirit of your parted beloved close:
Create an altar with your favorite picture of your beloved, a meaningful memento, and an offering (I like to use a glass of water, simple and impactful). Light a candle and speak directly to your beloved. Express any sorrow, engage in an act of remembering, and proclaim your love for them.
Reenact a habit of theirs that you admired.
Prepare your favorite recipe that brings you comfort and summons beautiful memories of your beloved with each bite.
Allow wisdom they have shared to guide your actions.
Write your beloved a letter or draw them an illustration that evokes the emotion you are feeling.
Spend an extended amount of time in nature. Carve enough time out of your day so that you are not disturbed or rushed. Engage all of your senses as you navigate a rich landscape of wild flowers in a prairie, mallards floating on a still lake, deer grazing on a grassy hill, acorns falling from trees that have stood tall for centuries. Observe what memories come up.
Farewell to folks as though you’ll never see them again. Tomorrow is not promised.
Take a piping hot bath with moisturizing oils, healing salts, and aromatic hawthorn petals or dried rosehip. If there is anything you want to let go, particularly pain and sorrow, visualize giving it to the water.
Do something that involves working with your hands: plant a garden, weave a basket, cook for someone you love.